A motto.............

When we found out about N.  it had to be one of the hardest days of my life.  We by luck had a Dr. appointment after my ultrasound.  She came in the room and said that they were sending me to a high risk preganacy group.  N. had fluid build up in his brian and they were not sure what was causing it.  My doctor told me to prepare that my baby might not make it.  At this point my experince in motherhood takes a 180 from what I ever thought is was going to be.  After the longest 20min drive of my life and a even longer waiting room wait of my life, we find out that N. has spina biffida and hydropholis.  That weekend I had my first pitty party.  I have delt with depression for most of my life, but before this it had been in check.  I lost it that weekend, all I wanted to do was cry and ask why me?  Could I handle this?  And now what about Will?  How will this all effect him?  And my little baby boy, what will his life hold?  What if he gets teased?   Will he ever make a friend? Get invited to a birthday party?  Have kids come to his birthday party?   This went on all weekend and then I had to come out of it.  And I had to decided what I was going to do.  N. is my kid first and formost,  he will always be my kid not a medical condition.  This became my motto as I sat through weekly stress test and countless ultrasounds.  It was still my motto as he was wisked away after birth to the NICU, and after his first two surgeries, and after I left the hospital and he was still there.  This was still my motto after 10 surgeries. 

People ask me all the time how do you do it with N., and I tell them my motto.  And them tell them honestly that N. spina biffida is only a small part of who he is.  N. is a elmo  and backyardigins loving 2 year old.  He can not stand his little sister, but thinks his big brother is the best person ever.  He loves cookies and fruit loops.  He loves container toys, and clapping.  His blanket is his confront.  He loves his daddy, but loves his mom when he is sick.  He his the biggest flirt (just ask his theripsts).  He loves football, and sports center. 

Is it hard at times to keep up that motto?  I get asked.  Sure it is.  I still have pitty parties, it is my way of dealing with the stress, I worry about all those questions, I asked to myself when we found out about him, all the time.  I always will. 

t.